My plan here

My plan here is that I have no plan. I journal everyday but I usually use this app because I like the way it shows me what I was writing about on that day years previously but lately I don’t want to read any of that.

It was super helpful when we were trying to move because I could look back and see what we were thinking then and see how far we’d come but now it just makes me mildly nauseous to revisit covid times.

One of the newer less fun things in my life are hot flashes. I went through menopause during lockdown and the hot flashes were the worst thing about it. (Any brain fog or anxiety or depression I might have experienced were engulfed by the brain fog and anxiety and depression of going through lockdown in a tiny apartment and being a therapist, which I will likely write about later.)

I still get hot flashes but they’re generally tied to stress and sometimes getting one is how I know I’m having a big reaction to something. Like I can’t listen to tr*mp speak because it makes me hot flash. For me, hot flashes first feel like intense nausea and panic. My heart rate shoots up by 20 or 30 BPM. I don’t always get hot and sweaty but the rest is always present.

Good times.

ANYWAY! My point about this is that when I try to have a plan I hot flash so I don’t have a plan. I don’t think too hard about things that send me spiraling. The whole FB in tr*mp’s pocket thing makes me hot flash so I don’t think about it anymore than I have to.

I’m still there — there is no way to disentangle myself professionally or personally — but I don’t want to feel as vulnerable there.

I’m not going to write about this much more but mostly wanted to say that I don’t have any kind of opinion about how anyone else manages this weird reality (and I’m still posting content to my professional accounts so I’m still creating content for the machine so I’m no purist); I’m just trying not to hot flash.